A sit on the hill

I went for a walk today with Aunt Fleur.  And as we walked along a narrow path through a field she told me of what it was like as a younger girl.  She once was very reserved and composed, which is hard to believe considering her ‘bouncy’ composure.  We sat on a hill over looking a great valley and she told me of how she was to be married to a boy named Palo; whom was well known in her small town.  He was respectable and kind, and also very quiet.  Her parents [my grandparents], thought they’d be a perfect match.  And just as the wedding was beginning, she backed out.  I’d had no idea that my Aunt was to be married so long ago.  And that she backed out of it!

Auntie told me that it was a mutual agreement inside of herself.  That she was being someone that she was not.  And marrying Palo might be a very comfortable agreement, but she would not experience true joy.  Which is something that she sought after.  Not long afterwords, she went to London on a holiday with some friends, and the rest of the story, I knew.  Uncle Rich and her were both at a restaurant and she spilled her drink all over him.  And he thought she was the funniest girl, and didnt even mind that his pants were all wet from her soda.  After that, they spent a few years dating, and were married.  My grandparents never truly approved of the marriage, only because it meant that Uncle Rich would be taking her away to England.  Away from them.

She looked over at me.  And she told me never ever to give up on what I am.  Who I am.  What I am inside, deep deep down inside of myself.  It wasn’t an awkward moment, it was an uncomfortable one.  Because often, when I feel myself drifting from who I am… I simply ignore it.  But as we sat on the hill looking out, I couldn’t help but wonder what the next few months would bring to me.  I also couldnt help but think of Richard.  And how few my time with him truly was.

-Allyson

A night in His Arms

I cannot even begin to explain the fantasy come true that I have now with Richard.  He came to my room late last night, for he did not get back until nearly midnight.  And he quite literally picked me up right out of bed and took me to his room.  We talked of where he was and how much he’d missed my presence.  And slowly we fell asleep together interlocked in eachother’s arms.  When we woke, he took me to breakfast and we ate in eachother’s comfort, he barely took his eyes off of me.  Which made me rather nervous, and as a result, I choked on what I’d been eating and nearly had to have the heimlich maneuver done on me. 

I am denying the fact that I leave on the 15 of May.  It is wrong to simply ignore it.  But I’d rather enjoy my time with him, instead of dwelling on the fact that I must leave him very soon.

-Allyson

Night Under a Blanket of Stars

Something that often boggles my mind is that somewhere out there… is a universe just like ours.  With planets of different sizes and gases circling a large star.  And maybe, just maybe there\’s a planet just like ours.  With people just like you and me, asking the same exact questions.

Terry and I slept outdoors last night on the flat side of the roof.  Watching the stars and talking about deep emotions and thoughts.  After a while of talking about attractive guys and ditzy girls we sat in silence.  And I\’m not sure how,  but we began discussing our families, and childhood.  It felt so strange to talk about childhood in the way that we were.  Childhood?  Weren\’t we kids just a few years ago?  What changed that? Maybe it was coming of age to the rest of the adult world.  Or perhaps it was the fact that we were out on our own.  Terry\’s mom walked out on her dad when she was just 3 years old.  Talk about tough.  She said her dad wasn\’t gifted in the area of kids.  But he loved with all he had inside of him.  I think it\’d be kind of hard to love after your other half just walks out on you.  Near that time when we were both drifting to our dreams I told her a little about my father.  And how he would abuse my brother and I as a sort of sport or game.  But  in a way it made John and I closer to each other.  Since he\’s been in Iraq, its the longest I haven\’t seen him.  Terry asked me if I had a mother.  I told her \”yeah, some days.\”  I think she understood.

Richard comes back to me in two days.  I wait in desperation.

-Allyson

Light and Dark

It’s raining outside.  A quiet little rain, the sky just giving the earth a dowse of nourishment.  And I’m sitting here in the window seat, trying to feel everything that’s outside of the window. While still feeling everything going on inside of me.  The past few days have been a continuous flow of emotion.  My pictures have started to be  in the direction of light.  Light and darkness.  Perhaps it is a phase?  Auntie asked me yesterday if I was homesick.  And I laughed telling her that only think I was sick of was home.  It’s a bittersweet realization.  I know that after I get back, I’ll be graduating.  And then who knows?  I’ll get a job at a local newspaper for  my pictures… and take another job to offset the poor pay?  My parents never agreed with me going into photography.  But then again, they never agreed on anything when it came to me.  I was too strange for them.  They didn’t know what quite to make of me.  My brother on the other hand, easily agreed with anything they said.  All because it was his form of manipulation.  At least it worked out for him.

I’m just feeling a little sad inside.  All that I feel for Richard is growing, if that’s even possible.  I’ve only known him for a short while.  He’s leaving today for a few days.  But he will be back on Saturday.  The break is difficult, but maybe it is needed.  The only thing I hate about it all is the way my mind focuses on the near future of leaving him.
Terry is coming over tonight, we’re going to do a girls night in.  On the phone I apologized for spending so much time with Richard, and she was incredibly understanding.  Unlike most girlfriends, she’d have been slighted.  Then again, now that I realize how I might have offended her, I want to see her even more.  I truly have missed talking and spending time with her.

-Allyson

Raw

Richard took me out yesterday.  We walked from a quaint little town of cobblestone streets into the hills of a meadow.  The air was warm and pleasant, and I let myself get pulled into the grasses with him.  Laughter and unbridled raw emotion ebbed from each of us.  The thought of the night he’d kissed me passed through my mind.  Neither of us had spoken or acted upon that event.  But his eyes seemed to ask the same questions that mine were.  Can we?  Can we do this?  Should we?

Without missing a beat, his hands ran down the length of my torso and he firmly gripped my waist, and pulled me closer.  My breath was stifled and emotion was so incredible that I felt myself  holding back tears.  My skin tingled where his fingertips touched and I felt myself loosing touch with the beauty in the scene around myself.  And without holding back we kissed.  An hour or two later we staggered back home, both unstable from the simplicity of kissing and the strangeness of the deep experience.  We walked through the front gate and passed Fleur working in her small garden.  She undeniably understood what was happening between he and I.  Once indoors he told me he’d come to my room in the evening, that he had some things he had to attend to.  But before leaving me he held me fast and caressed me.  Breathless I took the back stairwell up to my room to brood over my thoughts.  But not before I saw my Uncle standing rather bemused and shocked.
I suppose he must have seen?

-Allyson

Getting to know him

The past few days have been rather amazing.  Just being around Richard is something I’ve never felt before.  I am still shy at times around him, he puts off this thing around himself.  I feel as though I could never compare.  Like the ugly duckling and the most attractive guy spending time together.  We’ve spent every waking moment together since a few days ago.  We read together in the den, lay together in the grass, take long walks, make dinner together…  Auntie has been a bit excited about the whole thing.  Sometimes at night she’ll sneak in my room to hear all of the details of my day with Mr. Price.  And we’ll giggle and sigh just thinking about it all.  Uncle Rich is very silent however, and only looks over the rims of his gold spectacles and pretends not to notice what is unfolding before him.

Richard was born in 1986, in June.  So he’s three entire years older than I am.  It doesn’t really seem that much of a difference.  He graduated from the university studying religions.  He thought he would be  a priest someday.  But as he learned of new religions he began to realize that Catholicism wasn’t his path.  And so he’s been trying to find his calling since then really.  He travels a lot, here and there.  He wishes that he could travel more actually.  But he hasn’t found a reason to yet.  When he speaks, I feel like I’m listening to such intelligence.  His lexicon is so, different and colorful.  He teases me about my ‘accent’.  But really, its my lack thereof.

We’ve talked briefly about myself.  I’ve tried to take the conversation off of myself as much as possible.  Am I uncomfortable?  No I don’t think it’s a question of comfort.  Sometimes its just nice to immerse yourself in someone else’s life, before you start to examine your own.

His parents leave our residence tomorrow.  I feel bad that I haven’t been much entertainment to them.  I mentioned this to Aunt Fleur.  And she laughed and told me that being Richard’s entertainment was good enough for all of them.

-Allyson

Quiet again

Mom called me today.  She was hysterical about something happening back home having to do with her flower shop.  I barely payed any attention to her ranting during the call, my mind was stuck on Richard.  I know so little about him.  I have no idea how old he is, what he wants to do with his life, what his childhood was like, I don’t even know his favorite color!  My mother commented on my quiet nature and I told her I just had a lot on my mind.  She made a fuss about how I haven’t been keeping in contact with her as much as I’d promised.  Once again, I tried to mention this site.  And she acted like I hadn’t said anything.  If she really wants to know what I’m doing with my time, maybe she should sharpen her reading skills!  When I got off the phone, I made up my mind to try and get to know Richard better.

-Allyson

p.s. Auntie wondered if I was sick today.  Because I didn’t come down to eat at all.  I guess I’m back to hiding?

Uncomfortably Wonderful

Upon awakening this morning, my stomach did that strange butterfly thing and I almost felt light headed.  Last night was one of the most uncomfortably wonderful nights of my existence.  I’d been fussing over what to wear, shut in my bedroom most of the afternoon.  A light knock on the door and I had assumed it was Fleur.  I told her to come in, the door was unlocked.  And in walked Richard.  I felt the color rise to my cheeks as I realized how obvious it was that I’d been stressing about the evening out.  My clothes on the floor and bed, and shoes strewn about; with my makeup poured out over the vanity.  I tried to look very serene and calm, and I crossed my legs and waited for him to say something.  He quietly informed me that he’d be driving tonight, and wished to know if I’d like to ride with him.  I paused while I thought about this.  If I went with Terry, in Cody’s car, I would most certainly be the third wheel.  And if I went with Richard it would appear that we were on a date.  I got a jumpy feeling in my throat when I though of being on a date with him.  He said my name to bring me back to the conversation.  It sounded so sweet coming off of his lips.  I thanked him and told him that it was a nice offer.  He turned on his heel and left the room and informed me with a soft husky voice that he’d wait for me downstairs, he planned on leaving whenever I was ready.  When he closed the door behind him I’d glanced over at the clock, it was still early.  I stopped being picky and got dressed after locking the door.  I went light on the makeup like usual and headed downstairs after I finished doing my hair.  Richard sat talking with my uncle about something having to do with money.  He looked up at me, his eyes showed emotion.  Admiration?  I couldn’t put my finger on it.

The drive to the bar was uncomfortable, he put on some music to break some of the tension probably.  The group was seriously pretty good.  I’ve always been into techno music, but it was a group I’ve never heard of before.  Apparently they’re called The Medic Droid.  Funny, he didn’t strike me as the type.  He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and asked me why I’d chosen to wear what I was wearing.  I looked down at my sheer black top and skinny jeans.  I told him that I didn’t want to appear like I was trying too hard to go out and be social.  He laughed at that and we were quiet the rest of the ride besides an occasional comment.

When we arrived, we met up with Terry; she was ecstatic as usual.  Once inside, I realized that it was more of a club than a so called ‘bar’.  It was loud and dark with deep red and purple lighting.  People were dancing and lounging on couches, drinks in hand.  Terry and Cody disappeared into the place and I stood pissed at myself for even coming.  All I kept thinking was “this is worse than a party.”  Richard started moving in the direction of some girls dancing.  Of course.

I found an empty couch in the corner and sat down upset because Richard immediately went to go find a girl to dance with.  Nearly as soon as I thought this, Richard came through the haze with two drinks and he sat beside me after handing me one.  It was a cherry coke.  He knew that I didn’t drink alcohol?  He had to have remembered me getting a soda the night of the party.  After a few minutes I told him that he didn’t have to sit there with me.  He told me with his funny accent that he ‘absolutely loathed’ the place.  And had only gone because he knew I’d be alone if he didn’t.  Great, he’d felt obligated. We spent the rest of the night ordering drinks and talking.  He told me about how he made money.  Something to do with sports arbitrage trading.  I asked him if it was illegal.  And he cocked his head to the side and laughed at me.  Apparently it was a dumb question.

The drive home was like an unsaid emotional tide.  He reached over and took my hand, lacing his fingers into mine.  All I could do was sit there and sweat the rest of the way.  I lay in bed later on in the evening and I heard a knock on my door.  Remembering the evening, I asked who it was.  I heard his soft voice “It’s me.”  I tiptoed to the door and opened it a little.  His face looked torn.  His eyes were filled with anguish.  He said nothing but placed his hands on either side of my face and leaned down to kiss me.  He searched my face before he bid me goodnight.

And I am here recalling all of this to you.  Because I truly do not know if last night was a dream, or if it was real.  More importantly, what will the next few days bring?

-Allyson

A Nervous Night

Of course, Terry and I ran as usual this morning.  And when we were finished, both of us were wearing just our running bras, it was a long 5 mile run today.  I didn’t feel terribly exhausted though, ironically.  The weather was just horridly warm and I overheated around the 3rd mile.  Anyways, she and I decided to grab some water and lounge around on the back deck.  She was in the middle of pressuring me to go with her and Cody to the bar tonight.  And out comes Richard walking in that fluid way that he does.  I became immediately self conscious of my black sports bra and my short shorts.  He stood there and kept complete eye contact with me, like a gentleman.   At last after about 45 seconds I broke off the eye to eye exchange by turning my head and looking out into the nature of the back yard.  Terry saw all of this without reacting.  Then she slyly brought up to Richard about our plans tonight.  And he acted very interested and politely turned most of his attention to her.  But I saw how he would divert his eyes for the smallest fraction of a second to see what I was thinking.  I pretended not to notice, and drank more water; hoping that it would force the blushing to subside in my cheeks.  Terry asked him something and I began to think about how much I wanted to run when I got home.  Sammie and I are definitely going to race when I get back.  Actually, maybe we’ll just be running buddies, forget the competition.  I was in the middle of vicariously imagining running to the lake, when I realized that Terry and Richard were both staring at me.  Had I said something aloud?  Richard looked amused after a second, while Terry looked particularly pleased with herself.  My subconscious recorder replayed for me what they’d been talking about.  I really had zoned out pretty far huh?  They’d been talking about tonight’s plans.  Ugh.  Terry repeated what she’d said.

“Richard’s going with us tonight, isn’t that fun?”  I stared at him in disbelief.  What?  Richard was going to the bar with us tonight?  My brain tried to let that sink in a little.  I realized they were both waiting for a reaction.  I thought for a moment.  And I said in a high voice “Yeah sure, whatever he want’s to do with his time is fine.”

And now I’m sitting here putting on mascara and lip gloss.  All because he decided he’d love to waste his time going to the bar tonight.  With us.

-Allyson

Third Wheel

On our run today, Terry and I talked about Richard.  And how much he made me feel incredibly insane.  She says that he seems like the mysterious charmer type.  And maybe I should be careful.  Which is sort of ridiculous to say right?  It’s not like I desire to be his girl or anything.  Right?  *sigh*  We talked about her boy-toy too though.  Apparently they’re going on a date tomorrow.  And she wants me to go with them to some bar or  something.  I insisted that I didn’t want to go,  and being a third wheel would be awkward.  But she seems hell bent on dragging me along for some social interaction with other human beings of or around my age.

Someone send me a quote today.  It said “The mind moves in the direction of our currently dominant thoughts.”  It made me think.  Does that mean our negative thoughts makes our mind a negative being?  Kind of a disturbing thought isn’t it?

I called my mother today.  Left her a message telling her that I love her and hope that she’s doing well.  Asked her if she’s heard from dad.  I’m guessing that she hasn’t though.  At least, I’m hoping she hasn’t.

-Allyson

Sexual Tension

Yes, sexual tension.  That’s what I’d call it.

I have been tip toeing around Richard for days now.  Every time I see him I feel as though I may pass out.  I can only wonder if he realizes the effect that he has on me.  His tempting allure is even worse because of his accent, I consider myself to be one of the many Americans to fall for them.  We were walking down the hall in opposite directions and every time I’d try to move out of his way, he’d move the same way I did.  I began to get frustrated and he gently placed his hands on my shoulders.  And politely moved me aside.  Our first touch.

Ah, our most recent encounter was in the library.  Where I was choosing a book of which to enjoy.  Such a sucker for the classics, I sat down to read Jane Eyre.  I was well into the book when he appeared over my shoulder.  I have no idea how long he stood there, for I was too intrigued by Jane’s early childhood.  I turned a page and he spoke in my ear “Wait Allyson, I wasn’t done with that page.”  I jumped up so fast and dropped the book.  He grinned at me like a kid who had just scared his younger sister.  I blushed and he leaned down picking up poor Jane.  Handing it to me he commented on how much color I had in my face recently.  And that perhaps it was because of a change of exposure?  He knows why my face is always red.  And it’s not because of sun exposure.  It’s from Richard exposure.

Clever little thing isn’t he?

-Allyson

Hiding

Oh my GOD.  I’m typing so fast that I’ve had to rewrite this sentence at least three times.  Let me just tell you what happened.  I woke up to the sound of voices downstairs.  Which is strange for me to hear, considering my quiet mornings with Uncle Rich.  Washing my face, I attempted to not look so entirely dead.  I wrapped a sheer robe around myself after putting my hair up in a messy ponytail and descended the stairs.  It occurred to me when Beatrice walked past me that her and her husband were probably the reason for why there was so much chatter so early.  I poured myself a glass of orange juice and walked into the dining room.  I sat down next to Fleur barely awake.  Uncle Rich smiled at me over his newspaper from across the table.  He asked me how my sleep was, and I told him it was rather peaceful.  Which was a bloody lie because I was up all night thinking about that boy from the party.  I giggled and asked him how the party was, and he told me that he had no recollection of the party, considering that he had slinked away as soon as Fleur was occupied.  I took a gulp of my drink just as someone walked in, and Auntie said “Oh! Allyson, did you have a chance to meet Price’s son, Richard yet?”  It was the guy from the party!  I choked on my drink and began coughing and sputtering like a complete idiot.  I saw out of the corner of my eye as I exited the room Richard looking amused.

So, needless to say, I’m up here hiding from him.  I heard Dan say to Beatrice something like “She’s a quiet girl, isn’t she?”  Quiet? ME?  I guess I am the one hiding right now.  Auntie should have mentioned that there would be a boy staying at the house. Gah!

You know you’ll be hearing more from me,

-Allyson

An Unexpected Guest

Wow, here I was thinking that the party would be so incredibly lame and it wasn’t!  Terry invited some friends to come along : Bryan, Jenni, and Cody.  Apparently Terry and Cody have a “thing” so they hung out most of the party, with her on his arm and such.  They look really cute together, he’s really thin and pale, while she’s tall and bronze.  Odd couples always make me smile.

Being the hostess, my aunt wished for me to be there to greet each and every guest.  A lot of the guests that came in I’d met before from the party in the Ross of Wye.  Including the hosts of the previous party, Tom and India Cannits.  But there were three people who came in that I hadn’t seen before.  Aunt Fleur abandoned her post to hug a beautiful woman that walked in.  Her name is Beatrice, and her husband’s name is Dan.  Beatrice is Auntie’s best friend from school about a million years ago. haha.  I was introduced to the two of them and was informed they’d be staying with us for a few days.  I was left alone to greet any last guests that showed up last minute.  And while sitting on the stairs awaiting the doorbell, there was a soft knock on the door.  Opening it, there was a darkened figure, and he was revealed by the light of the indoors.  Tall and fit he gracefully stepped in and smoothly introduced himself.  Awestruck by his handsomeness I stepped back and let him pass by before I realized that he’d told me his name.

I secretly watched him converse with the others in the party.  The way he moved was so liquid and attractive.  I watched how the corners of his mouth turned down and his hands tiredly ran through his dark black mid length hair.  Pondering about how old he might be, I went to the kitchen to get a non alcohol drink from the fridge.  I turned and he walked in quietly and leaned against the oak cabinets.  I gripped my drink until my knuckles turned white and asked if I could get him anything.  He waved his hand uninterestedly telling me that he wasn’t thirsty.  We stood in silence while I stared at my feet until he chuckled softly and turned to leave.  I think I nearly passed out.

And here I am laying on my bed typing this all to you.  Because I snuck away from the party, unable to face it and him all at the same time.  I can’t believe I don’t even know his name.  *sigh*

-Allyson

Waiting for Tomorrow

The party is tomorrow! I am trying to stay positive and excited, much for Fleur’s sake.  I know how I am during parties. Ugh.

But anyways, we’ve got TONS of food.  So much, and such a variety.  I don’t know what we’ll do if people don’t want to eat while here or something tragic like that.  We’ll have to throw it at them on the way out.  Fleur also insisted that we go shopping for clothes.  I secretly couldn’t wait to go find something to wear.  But I am always uncomfortable with people buying gifts for me.  We settled on a green fitted dress, that comes to the knees.  Not too showy, because the last thing I want, is to draw attention to myself.

I’ve invited Terry, and she’s terribly excited like Auntie.  The two of them are busy decorating and sharing ideas right now actually.  I’m in charge of the music, so I am really just on my computer until its finished burning the last of 5 CD’s I’ve made.

Aha!  It’s done : ]  Obviously, I’ll tell you all of the boring details on Sunday of how I most likely slipped off to read a book during the party. Haha

-Allyson